Altruistic Tourettes and other self-diagnosed oddities

I’ve always been afraid of being seen as a hypochondriac. Is there a term for that? Hypochondri-phobia? I often wonder if my many quirks are sometimes more, perhaps an actual physical or mental abnormality. However, refusing to waste my time and money on finding out, I usually just write them off as something not serious, something that will soon pass. (That’s how I ended up in the ER with gallstones after convincing myself for a week that my constant stomach pain was just gas. ha!) After much time (and many bowls) pondering these various ailments, I decided to write up a prognosis. If you feel you suffer from any of these crippling illnesses, stay calm, and contact your nearest canna coach to begin the healing process.

#1. Altruistic Tourettes- I have a severe case of this. I see someone in need and I automatically want to help them and before I know it I have offered my assistance despite the fact that I don’t always have the time, money or energy to do so. As soon as the words leave my mouth I try and snatch them back, but alas, it is to late and I have already agreed to drive a friend to the airport at 5 am or come into work on a Saturday. Damnit.

#2- Cookie Amnesia- This happens with any munchable snack, but primarily cookies. You are eating a cookie and you set it down and walk away. You get distracted and then you remember your cookie. But you’re not sure if you finished it and if not, you have no clue where you put it. So you just go grab another cookie. Only to repeat the same mistake. Two hours later you find four half eaten cookies laying around the house. Assuming the dog, or your roommate, hasn’t cleaned up after you. But let’s admit it, finding a surprise cookie is always a good day! Cannabis absolutely does NOT help those suffering from cookie amnesia and the only cure is to either put the cookie on a plate, sit down and eat it, or scarf it down in one bite.

#3- Collapsing knee syndrome- This one I might actually want to see a doctor about, however because it causes me no pain or discomfort, it stays pretty low priority. More common in seniors, CKS can also occur in young people. I have it in my right knee, and while I can usually feel it about to give out and catch myself, the fact of the matter is, i have ended up on the ground because of it. I seriously felt like one of those LifeAlert commercials, except I’m not even 30! Unsure if this is a mental or physical condition, and unwilling to go through all of the tests and appointments to diagnose it, I simply remain mindful of what triggers it, including anxiety and being on my feet all day. It never hurts putting some canna lotion on the backs of my knees before bed though.

#4- Freezures- You know that feeling, when you get so flipping cold, your whole body just tenses up for one big shudder. That’s a freezure and being extraordinarily sensitive to the cold, I am prone to freezures in any weather under 35 degrees. To avoid freezures, always over dress in winter by putting on as many layers as possible. I’d rather be sweating in February than get a freezure attack waiting outside in the cold. Staying inside next to a roaring fireplace and migrating to Arizona are also ideal ways to cure freezures.

#5. Sneezures- Not to be confused with freezures, sneezures are defined as a sneezing episode consisting of more than 3 sneezes. Heck, sometimes I get up to 6 or 7! If you suffer from sneezures, it is polite to warn those around you that you are about to launch a sneeze grenade with some form of “ah” before your “choo” or if you can get it out, “I’m about to sneeze!” is also helpful. This way people aren’t scared shitless when you sneeze your brains out.

#6. Insta-thumb- Nearly all of the people who are addicted to social media suffer from this disease. Similar to OCD, this is the seemingly uncontrollable and obsessive act of mindlessly swiping through Instagram (or Twitter, or Facebook or that one dating site. (Embers? Fire starter?)). Before you know it you’ve wasted 45 minutes (at least) thumbing through pictures of people you don’t know and don’t care about and you realize you are now double jointed from swiping up (or left) so much. The best cure for IT is just putting your phone down. Put it in a drawer, under your pillow, in the fridge. Do something else with your hands! Build a birdhouse! Hitchhike! Give a thumbs up to a stranger! Become a thumb war champion. Your thumb deserves better than serving as your Hot-or-Not judge.

I embrace all of my quirks and am fortunate enough to be surrounded by people who love me because of, or in spite, of them. Unless they are preventing you from leading a fulfilling and happy life, I invite you to embrace your personal oddities and find the humor in the little things that make you, you. Stay weird my friends!


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